I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
