Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
