i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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