drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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