theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
