My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
