Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
