Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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