matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
