I have demons in me.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
