That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
