Sry I called you an 8
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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