Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
