And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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