I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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