i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
