Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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