she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
