Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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