You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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