i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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