god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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