Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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