You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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