once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
