but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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