I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
