Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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