Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
