They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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