Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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