The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
