And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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