well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
