Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
FUCK WHALES
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
