Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
