i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
