Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
