Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
