I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
