a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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