if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
