i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
