guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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