After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
