I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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