i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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