If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
