I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
