He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
